When Beliefs and Votes Don’t Match: Understanding Cognitive Dissonance and Managing Our Reactions

These are trying times my friends. If you are paying attention to the news, you are constantly being faced with a stressful world and national events and crises that are creating anxiety, worry, stress, sadness, hopelessness, and so much more. If you are someone who feels empathy, the weight of it all can feel so overwhelming at times. That weight can also create a lot of complicated feelings toward people who do not seem to be impacted by how the world is impacting the lives of others and instead are remaining behind the blinders of their privilege. It can be frustrating, even infuriating, to see someone vote for a candidate or policy that seems to directly contradict their own stated values, needs, or lived experiences. Sadly, these contradictions create more divisiveness on a macro level in our country, and on deeper and personal levels in some of our most important and closest relationships. For many of us, this also creates a deep sense of confusion: How can they believe one thing, but act in a way that appears to oppose it? Or even more difficult for us to understand: How can this person who loves me, vote against my rights and needs?

The answer often lies in a psychological phenomenon called cognitive dissonance.
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What is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort we feel when our actions don’t align with our beliefs or when we hold two contradictory beliefs at once. An example of this is: I support my gay son in his life, relationships, and in the ability to get married someday, but I am going to vote for this person who states that they will end same-sex marriage regardless because of various other reasons. Or: My spouse is an immigrant and has not become a US citizen yet, but I don’t think she will get deported even if I vote for the person who says that they will deport immigrants because I don’t think it will happen to her. For those of us on the outside we are screaming “MAKE IT MAKE SENSE”. But, for those who are doing this, in order to reduce that discomfort, their brain often tries to “close the gap” by:
• Reframing the facts (“This policy isn’t really that harmful.”)
• Downplaying the contradiction (“No candidate is perfect; this one is the lesser evil.”)
• Focusing on other values (“I care about X issue more than Y, even if Y affects me personally.”)
In politics, this can mean that someone votes based on one or two highly prioritized beliefs even if that choice conflicts with other parts of their identity or interests. They might say, This person might take away the rights of someone I love, but they are promising something else which is more important to me.
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Why This Can Be So Hard to Watch
When we see someone’s vote as harmful to them or to a group we care about, our nervous system often interprets it as a threat, especially when and if it feels personal. That can spark anger, sadness, or even a sense of betrayal. If the person is someone we know and care about, the dissonance between our perception of them and their actions can create dissonance for us, too. It is so difficult for us to resolve our love for our family members and the choices they might make that might impact our rights in the future. This is why we feel anxiety when we are with these people. We struggle with wanting to set boundaries with the people who are voting to take our rights away with the love and connection we have. How can I love this person that is taking action in a way that is not showing me love back? Can I still depend on this person in my life?

Coping With the Anger and Frustration

1. Name the phenomenon.
Remind yourself: “This is cognitive dissonance at play.” Naming it can help you shift from pure emotional reaction to observation.

2. Anchor in your values.
Ask yourself: “How do I want to show up in this conversation—or in this relationship?” This can help you respond in a way that’s congruent with your own integrity. You get to choose your values, and it is important to stay true to yourself, even when it might feel overwhelming or even scary.

3. Limit the engagement when necessary.
If certain discussions are only fueling resentment, it’s okay to set boundaries or disengage from political talk with that person. You might need to set different boundaries or make choices around conversations that you are willing to have with them. You may need to state how you no longer feel safe with certain things around this person and allow them to have to decide what that means for them. This is where you take your control back.

4. Channel the energy.
Redirect anger into meaningful action: advocacy, volunteering, educating, or creating supportive spaces for those affected by harmful policies. So many of my clients, supervisees, and colleagues are constantly faced with feeling like the powerlessness in all of this is one of the worst aspects of the fear and of being an ally. Finding the places where you can be part of change instead of being stuck in the paralyzing emotions of anger and fear can make a huge difference in your ability to cope.

5. Practice perspective-taking without excusing harm.
Understanding why someone acts against their own stated beliefs doesn’t mean you condone it—it simply means you’re not letting anger fully dictate your mental state. Remember, your anger is not going to impact their perspective. Unfortunately, I think one of the saddest and most difficult lessons we have all had to learn over this past decade is how we do not have the ability to change people’s minds if they are not open to different perspectives. We must accept this fact, accept their perspectives, and then instead decide what we will choose to do in response.

The Bigger Picture
Cognitive dissonance isn’t limited to “other people.” We all experience it at times. Recognizing it in ourselves and others can help us move toward more honest self-reflection and, hopefully, more congruent actions in the future. As therapists, friends, family members, or community members, our role is not always to change someone’s mind in the moment, but to protect our own mental well-being while staying aligned with the values we hold dear. We do this through reflection, boundaries, and meaningful action.